Female partner hits me
Many women and men are going through the same struggle. Research across different countries and cultures has demonstrated a strong relationship between binge drinking and violence towards intimate partners, whether they are married, cohabiting, dating, or casual encounters, and whether the partners are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual. As with all people with violent partners, you are not to blame for what's happening to you, but you're unlikely to get help unless you take action yourself to prevent further abuse. Only you can decide what to do in this situation, but you are strongly advised to seek professional help as soon as possible. Think about how many drinks you have when you're with your partner—the more you drink, as well as the more your partner drinks, the greater the risk that he or she will become violent towards you. Alcohol is typically involved in the most severe incidents of violence towards partners.SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Man Claims Fiancée Has Punched, Kicked, And Bitten Him – But He ‘Loves Her To Death’
SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: 6 Ways to Communicate with His Heart - How to Own your Feminine PowerContent:
Help for Men Who Are Being Abused
The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. This article was published more than 5 years ago. Some information in it may no longer be current. The guy I am calling Jimmy was trying to remember the first time he hit his girlfriend. You'd think the event would stick in his mind.
But Jimmy was 18 at the time, and they'd been going out for three weeks when it happened, and they stayed together for nearly a decade, so there were quite a few candidates for the honour: a punch, throttlings, manhandling, times the cops had been called and times they hadn't, plus the night that led to three months in jail.
Jimmy had it down to two possibilities: The first was either the time he slapped her, or the time he smeared blood in her face. Jimmy is a weightlifter. He's 28, has a three-tuft beard, acres of ink, and a compressed, energetic air, as if he were made of India rubber balls: You sense that once he starts bouncing, he won't stop any time soon.
We're sitting in his church, on one of those seamlessly grey Nova Scotia days that makes you think the sun hasn't been invented. Why do men abuse the women they love? I thought it was an important question, which is why I was talking to Jimmy. Almost all the perpetrators of the most serious domestic violence are men. Statistics give us some sense — only a sense, given how many cases go unreported — of how often women are abused. The headline-making controversies surrounding the violent behaviour of everyone from Ray Rice to Phu Lam Edmonton's killer, last Christmas to the alleged transgressions of Jian Ghomeshi and Charlie Sheen remind us how pernicious and pervasive abuse is.
But what you discover when you drop into the private world of domestic violence is that no one actually knows, for sure, why men abuse women.
Experts have many, and often competing, theories, but those tend to identify the symptoms, not the causes, of an intimate and individual problem. If we can figure out why men abuse the women they claim to like and love, maybe we can get them to stop. Maybe we can get better at preventing men from abusing in the first place. Maybe we can also begin to resolve the standoff between those who believe abusers should be punished and jailed, and those who believe they can be rehabilitated as well.
It's a lot to hope for. It took me two months to find three men willing to talk about their lives as abusers, and then, only if I used pseudonyms. They're not representative — but no one is. What makes them even less representative is their willingness to talk in the first place.
The most serious abusers don't come forward, don't talk about their violence, don't seek help. So this is unavoidably a story about individuals — about Jimmy and a few men who intimidate and hit women, about how they got that way and maybe why. It is also their story, from their point of view, in some cases without the corroboration of their partners.
These people could, in theory, be snowing me. But this is, so far, a secret world, and you have to start somewhere. Jimmy eventually worked one thing out: The first time he hit his girlfriend was the time he slapped her.
This was one evening back when he was in the game and dealing and had money galore, before he went to jail again for robbery. One day, out of the blue, she said, "I cheated on you. Like a lot of guys who smack their partners around, Jimmy says she pushed his buttons.
She once smashed a bottle over his head, once threw a knife at him. Also like a lot of guys who hit their wives and girlfriends, he claims to have adored her, thought he was uncontrollably in love. He still feels that way three years after they split up. He didn't do anything at first when she said she'd cheated on him. He just looked at her. Then she said, "Well, aren't you going to hit me? Why don't you hit me?
Pretty soon, he claims, he felt as if he had to hit her, so he slapped her. He can't remember what he was thinking the moment he struck her. It felt like a fugue state. The impulse came from somewhere in him that he couldn't locate.
He starts stuttering and crying when he tries to describe it. He seems ashamed of himself. Maybe he's faking. He tried to leave the house a few weeks later, after another vicious fight, but his girlfriend's three year-old daughter ran after him and said she wanted him to stay. He did, for nine years. Years later, telling me about the blows he'd dealt her, he says that "a lot of the things came from what I thought I had to do.
As for the blood-in-the-face incident, that happened well after that initial slap. Jimmy and his girlfriend were bickering one day while she did some ironing, and she said something about his family, and he retaliated by insulting her mother, so she threw the iron at him.
Violence should be unacceptable in any domestic circumstance — let's lay that rule down right here — but like a lot of their fights, this one seemed to start in more than one place. The iron hit him on the left side of his head, which started gushing blood. Then he said to her — said is probably an understatement — "If I was any kind of bad man or wife-beater, you know what I'd probably do right now? I'd probably wrap this cord around your neck and chuck you over the stairwell.
He did not do it gently. I should've walked away. Should've called the cops, to be honest with you. The first time anything like that happened, I should've called the cops.
Because the next thing she did was call the cops on me. According to police arrest statistics, there were 97, reported victims of intimate-partner violence in Canada in More than 80 per cent of them were women. Over the course of their lifetimes, as many as a third of Canadian couples have some experience of domestic violence. Women are more likely to be victims if they're dating than if they're married, and especially if they're between the ages of 25 and Roughly one-quarter of all violent events involving spouses come to the attention of police, according to Canada's General Social Survey; of those, more than 70 per cent result in charges being recommended or laid.
Intimate-partner violence entails "a range of abusive behaviours that occur within relationships," and "can encompass physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and financial victimization or neglect," according to Statistics Canada. Shouting and name-calling can qualify. Lasting consequences can include depression and what one expert refers to as "the complete dismantling of a personality. It shows up in all classes and at all income levels. It's a field where people try to hang on to numbers: If we know how much violence there is, maybe we can control it.
Instead, the data tell the same horrifying stories over and over again. Sixty-five per cent of spouses accused of homicide in — almost all of whom were men — had a previous history of attacking their victim. Get out while you can. Nearly half the women who become victims of spousal violence were first assaulted before they turned Having been victimized makes you more likely to be a victim again.
About 35 pregnant women are assaulted by their husbands every day. Eight out of 10 physical intimate-partner attacks are common assaults — "an offence with little or no injury to the victim," as one federal statistical report cavalierly puts it. Common assault includes pushing, slapping, punching and face-to-face verbal aggression.
There is also, obviously, fear, which is not included in the formal definition. The next-most-common forms of intimate violence are uttering threats way down at 9 per cent and criminal harassment, or stalking at 7 per cent. The majority of men use their hands, rather than a weapon. Maybe assault feels more personal that way? Ontario has the lowest rate of family violence; Saskatchewan has the highest, after Nunavut and the Northwest Territories.
The good news: Domestic abuse seems to have been declining for decades. From to , the rate at which women were murdered by their intimate partners — a rate that is almost always reported, and indisputable — dropped 48 per cent.
The most commonly reported motives for killing a spouse are still jealousy, frustration, and despair, in that order. The bad news: That decline has evened out in the past decade, and has been flat for the past few years. The rate of intimate-partner homicide against women actually rose 19 per cent between and More than 80, Canadian women are still abused every year, judging by police statistics alone, and we're not doing enough to stop it.
But those are numbers. Let me tell you about a woman I'll call Laura, a woman I met last fall. She was 20 when she met her husband. Again, this is her account; contacting him to corroborate it runs the risk of endangering her. She was on vacation in Prince Edward Island. He was 20 years older than she was, a schoolteacher, "a dream come true.
He was secretive about money, wouldn't even let her get the groceries. That kept her in the house. He seemed almost paranoically insecure, but at first she figured she could change him: "I thought that, if I loved him enough, and he loved me, we could work it out.
Female domestic abuser: Why I hit my partner
You may think that the way you treat or talk to your spouse is normal when in reality it is abusive. Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are, as you may not have the level of insight necessary to figure this out. Or, you may think your behavior is "normal" because you grew up in a household of abusiveness, dysfunction, or negativity. Abuse can occur verbally, mentally, and psychologically. It will undermine the trust, connection, and bond that must exist in your relationship for your marriage to succeed and be healthy.
Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect—in both heterosexual and same sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life regardless of age or occupation. An abusive partner may hit, kick, bite, punch, spit, throw things, or destroy your possessions. They may also use a weapon, such as a gun or knife, or strike you with an object, abuse or threaten your children, or harm your pets.
Can domestic abusers be rehabilitated?
It can be hard to accept that your relationship is an abusive one — that you or your partner may be behaving in a bad and unacceptable way. Sometimes people may be too embarrassed or ashamed to admit to others — or even themselves — that they're abusing their partner or they're being abused. Abusive relationships can be very damaging to relationships and cause great harm. Separation itself can be difficult. Disputes over child contact arrangements can in particular heighten emotions and result in further abuse. If you recognise that you've been abusive to your partner and you want to stop there are organisations that can help you. Women, as well as men, can be responsible for domestic violence. Dealing with a partner or ex who reacts to your separation with violence is very difficult. The decision to end a relationship can be a courageous one. Turning your decision into action though can seem tricky and you may need to think your departure through carefully.
Domestic violence against men deals with domestic violence experienced by men in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. As with domestic violence against women , violence against men may constitute a crime , but laws vary between jurisdictions. Men who report domestic violence can face social stigma regarding their perceived lack of machismo and other denigrations of their masculinity. The relative prevalence of IPV against men to that of women is highly disputed between different studies, with some countries having no data at all. Some researchers believe the actual number of male victims may be greater than law enforcement statistics suggest due to the number of men who do not report their abuse.
It was during a fight on a New York City street corner, over a subject I've long since forgotten. But the punch — thrown as I leaned in to make a point, thrown reflexively, out of unchecked rage — stayed with me. It didn't hurt that much, tagging me just below the left ear. But it caused serious damage.
Experience: I used to hit my husband
Introduction Women may be afraid of strangers, but it's a husband, a lover, a boyfriend, or someone they know who is most likely to hurt them. According to a U. Justice Department study, two-thirds of violent attacks against women are committed by someone the woman knows. In the United States, one of the most dangerous places for a woman is her own home.SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Abused By My Girlfriend: The Teenage Romance That Descended Into Terrible Violence
T he first time I struck him was during an argument over money. He'd decided to pay off a loan without telling me and we'd gone overdrawn. I was worried and tried to discuss it with him, at which point he left the room. I felt we hadn't talked it through properly and followed him. I remember losing control and my limbs lashing out. Afterwards he was upset and I cried — I felt scared and ashamed of what I'd done.
Domestic violence against men
What is domestic abuse?
Women Who Hit Men
When Your Partner Gets Drunk and Violent